I do not have any words. Everything hurts.
Net cals burned - 437
Gross cals burned - 515
I haven’t flexed these writing muscles in a while. I haven’t felt like this is about a year.
I don’t know why I torture myself with it all. I don’t know why I dangle the carrot in front of my face and make myself relive it and all the feelings that came with it. What should it matter now? A year has passed and so much has changed.
It’s not so much him, it’s the way it makes me feel. Angry, frustrated, disgusted. How could I let that happen? How could I let my guard down that far? Why didn’t I see it coming? Now I’m left with bitterness and fear. Fear that it’s going to happen again, with someone else. Fear that one day my lovely, wonderful boyfriend will turn around and shatter me like he did.
I saw his profile again. That’s what made me think. I saw he was active again, and it made me want to scream. I shouldn’t think it, but I do. Why wasn’t I good enough? Did he see how gullible I was? How vulnerable I was? Was he just capitalising on someone he saw as weak?
I hate that. It makes me so fucking angry. And now I have to force myself to love because if I don’t I’ll become hard and impenetrable. I can’t put people on pedestals either, because the moment you do that they see your weakness. From higher up they see all the cracks and who can resist prying them open and breaking them?
It was such a short time, me and him. But it ruined me for much, much longer. And it makes me so angry.